[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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Well. That’s not a good sign.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.