when revenge coincides with naptime
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
That eye roll….
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m too immature for adultery.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: