[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
You Might Also Like
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Liquor Store Parking
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.