[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test