There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
#Caturday
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Well, shit
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.