Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?