my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
British websites use biscuits.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.