90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.