My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.