*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.