what’s the point then??
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Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Mhm.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Am I having a stroke?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood