In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
#DesignFail
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*