So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
smh
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
WHO DID THIS?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”