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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down