One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”