4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
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College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Bike is short for Bichael.