If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.