Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Interior design 👌
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.