Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*