My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Every damn time
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.