It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
synchronized noseblowing
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy