(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Botany good plants lately?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I put the mess in domestic.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.