Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I am never leaving this website
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.