Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.