I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle