Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore