friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
consequences, the bane of my existence
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
“and how does that make you feel?”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*