Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches