Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
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My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Happy Taco Tuesday
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.