pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round