Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.