Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.