*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
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The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
This a good idea
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch