Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
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[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.