Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
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Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.