My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.