Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
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I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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the three bears:
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
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Me: Go to your room.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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ME: *dives out of the way*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.