You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them