Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
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If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Herpes is trending, good job people
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here