[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
You sure about that?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.