Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
The symmetry is uncanny.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: