CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.