Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
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If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while