Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out ππΌππΌππΌ
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In my day, we didnβt have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, youβd yell βYabba dabba doo!β as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My favorite farside!!
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
i baked you a cake
Me: βCan you please help me with my Tinder profile? Iβm not having much luckβ
My wife:
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissinβ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
βYou should eat only six fries per serving.β Whatβs next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesnβt count as one serving?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Iβve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: βThis is the greatest day of my life!β
*daycare closes*
Me: βI wish I was dead.β