Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
thank god
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle