Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.