Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I hate my earbuds.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Somebody’s lying.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti