All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
craving $300 all of a sudden
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair