I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.