Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
You Might Also Like
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
August 8
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents